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Hello, Haroon.

Assalamualekum (Peace be upon you)

It is hard, son, very hard to say something, anything without having to remember you in turn. Maybe that is the reason why I haven’t said any words until now.

I was afraid, son. I am afraid that when I finally begin speaking, it would all inevitably become true.
Oh I wish for it to not be true!
But it is, every single second of it. Son, I am truly scared of accepting that you are gone, why would not I be?

I cry in bits, small moments of weakness find me, and I weep uncontrollably. Then at the next minute, I tend to feel better. Maybe it’s because I had finally let out in tears, or maybe it’s because I inch closer to accepting your permanent absence.

It is hard, son, very hard to say something, anything without having to remember you in turn. But I will, son. I have to. I have so much to say to you, I want to say so much to you! But, now it all feels stupid. I feel incredibly stupid to have let you go!

If you think about it; you get married, you start a family, have children, maybe two or three, and then the entire world turns upside down. You do not seem to matter anymore; all that matters is your children. They should be well off, their clothes should be well worn, yours maybe torn and old but, does it matter? No. You don’t care as much about yourself, your success is a consolation while their success is the real prize. Your sleep, your dreams, your whole life does not seem to matter as much as your children’s. They should be fine, you sacrifice everything but, they should be fine.

You carry them in your belly for months; in your arms for years and in your heart for your whole life! You raise them with the best of your entire ability, your bleeding body you give to them. And then you see them leave to achieve greater things, things that you could have never dreamt of achieving in your time but, you send them to achieve, so you can be proud, ultimately proud.

And this is where, son, I feel incredibly stupid. I should have never let you go, I should have held you in my arms, tight, very tight, and maybe then I could have saved you. Maybe you would still be here.

Well, a would have or a could have, it hardly matters anymore. What’s done is done; my words would not change anything.
Oh I wish it could only!
I could give my life for yours in a heartbeat. If I could save you, even if I had to grab the entire world in my palms for it, I would. But then, a would have or a could have, it hardly matters anymore.

In the end, all you could ever do is either find peace or find anger with whatever life throws at you. And even if I cannot find peace now, I would eventually have to, son. I hardly have an option. I have always been the kind of person who would find a single thread of positivity in an entire urn of negativity and hold on very tight to it. I have to think positive, son. You know exactly the kind of person I am. You know everything.

There is always some Behtari (Goodwill) in whatever happens. I have always believed that and I cannot defer from it now. However hard it is to accept but, there has to be some Behtari in this. Your time here was over because you were needed elsewhere. I don’t care if it’s true but, I will believe it till the day I die, son. I will believe it! I have to.

I know that even when you are not here, you certainly are here, son. I can feel it, from mother to son; I know that you are here. You are here, son.

I just hope that you hear me when I say that I am so incredibly proud of you! And I wish you weren’t taken away from me. I hope you are not scared or frightened but, smiling and happy wherever you are. You will always… always be in my heart.

It is still hard, very hard to say something, anything without having to remember you in turn, son. But I will not cry now, I will smile knowing that you were once here, once alive and breathing, my very own child you were. And I can be nothing more than grateful for it!

I hope you take care, son, wherever you are. And do not forget to have proper meals (I know you have been eating less nowadays!)

And whenever you feel scared or afraid, just remember me, son. And I will surely be remembering you, in my thoughts and prayers, always, eternally.

Allahafiz!

Take care,
Your Mother.

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